London Angel
by derpette-Waffle
Summary: Dan tries to make sure they make the most of whatever time they have.
1. Chapter 1

Dan wasn't worry about catching whatever stomach bug Phil had. He crawled into bed, under the two duvets to lie with his boyfriend, who had the misfortune of being horribly ill on his birthday. He turned twenty-eight today and hadn't been able to get up out of bed. The party had been cancelled late last night when Phil first started to not feel well enough to go through with it; and worse, he felt bad about it. Dan tried to convince him that when he'd called those invited, they'd all wished for him to get well soon, and to try to have a happy birthday anyway.

Dan spent the day trying to make things as pleasant as he could for his sick boyfriend. They lay cuddled in bed, absorbed in a Buffy marathon until Phil fell asleep in the early afternoon. When he woke up, Dan made him some soup, but as Phil was feeling too ill to eat any, it sat cold now next to the bed. He was feeling unbearably nauseous and mumbled something about some pain, too, but he wasn't vomiting. They just laid together, Dan's arms wrapped tightly around Phil, holding him close and rubbing his lower back in some attempt to soothe him.

Dan laughed softly, thinking of how he got sick. He got sick on a fairly regular basis. Phil rarely got sick, but when he did it was more serious. He kissed the top of his head, nose buried in the black hair. "I'd feel a lot better if you go to the doctor when you're feeling well enough."

Phil seemed half asleep now, but Dan felt him nod, and that put him enough at ease. They laid just like that for a few more hours, until they both fell asleep in their lover's arms.

Phil went to see a doctor one morning about a week later, when he was starting to feel a little bit better. Dan had insisted on going with him, but Phil had told him he should stay and work on that video he'd been putting off too long. The subscribers –the more than three and a half million of them- were getting impatient. Dan wanted to argue that no, Phil's health was more important than that, but he came to realize that yes, he probably should get to work. He really didn't need anything else to procrastinate on that with.

Phil didn't get back until late that night, and didn't give any explanation or tale of what happened. Dan tried to pry for one, but got nothing, and let it go. He figured he was probably just too tired to talk about it all; he was asleep less than an hour later. Dan curled up behind him in bed. He loved being the big spoon.

A few days after seeing the doctor, Phil was getting worse again, and seemed to stay such for weeks.

It was nearly five weeks after his first bout of illness, and Dan was distractedly holding his weekly live show. He knew the people in the chat were probably getting bored and annoyed with how absent Dan was being, but it was difficult for him to focus when he could hear his boyfriend vomiting in the bathroom down the hall. He was torn between staying put and going to comfort him. He wished he could explain the situation to the viewers, and how he needed to go help him, but that would only serve to give their relationship away.

Dan wished he could just tell the world about their relationship, now going on more than five years. He wished that his lingering insecurities about his sexuality weren't holding him back from being able to just be openly happy with his boyfriend, his soul mate.

He heard Phil's phone ringing, and the vomiting had stopped, so he took a chance on calling out to him. "Phil, your phone!"

"Thanks!" Dan hated how hoarse and weak it sounded, but he seemed to be putting as much energy into it as he could muster. So like Phil.

Dan kept going for the hour or so remaining. When he finally signed off with some parting love to his viewers, he hopped up and went in search of his ill boyfriend. He found him in bed, sitting up and looking as if he was waiting for Dan to join him.

Without any further obstacles, he did. Dan plopped down onto the bed next to his boyfriend and touched his shoulder. "Everything alright?" he asked, half -habitual courtesy mixed with the genuine concern. He looked into Phil's eyes; they were tired and dull, with deep purple rings beneath them. Beneath them further were the unmistakable streaks of long dried tears. The worry started to kick in. "What's wrong? Who rang?"

Phil didn't give a direct response. Instead, he forced a smile and murmured, "I start treatment next week." His resolve didn't overtly falter.

Dan felt his heart sink down into his stomach; he suddenly felt as ill as Phil must have been feeling. "Treatment… For what?"

Phil went on to explain –calmly- what had happened in secret since his doctor visit. The doctor had run basic tests and worried it was cancer. Phil went back for an MRI almost a week later, but the results were inconclusive. More tests were runs later, and the results were in now. Gastric cancer, early stage 3; the prognosis was poor.

Dan sat in shock for a while. When he did start to break down, it wasn't nearly as dramatic as he would've thought. Tears streamed down his cheeks, but he wasn't sobbing. No, it was too soon for it to really hit him; the severity of it all would hit over the next few months or so. In the meantime, Phil was holding him tight, mumbling promises that everything would be okay.

The formal diagnosis made it all sound much more grim: gastric cancer with metastasis to esophagus, intestines and lymph nodes. It was too late for surgery to cure it, and chemotherapy started to be carried out. When Dan had asked the doctors –in private- how much the chemo would help, they admitted it was palliative more than anything. It would reduce the size of the tumors and relieve symptoms to a degree, and keep him alive longer.

Dan asked if Phil was going to be alright; the doctors asked what he meant by 'alright.' The conversation ended there.

It wasn't long before Phil started to lose his hair to the chemo. That was when he and Dan sat down for a rather long conversation about what should be done about it. Phil's subscribers –just over two million- didn't know he was sick yet. If he went on like normal with his hair falling out, they'd come to the realization slowly on their own. If he had it shaved off now, he could tell them all at once and get that out of the way.

"I'll support whatever you choose, babe," Dan sighed, playing with his boyfriend's fingers in his own.

Phil thought for a while about it. "I…" he started at length, "I think I should tell them. I think it'll be less… dramatic to just shave it off. I'll tell them what's going on." He paused for a long moment, before taking Dan's fingers and squeezing them. "Will you do it for me?"

Dan smiled softly, bringing his hand up to kiss the knuckles sweetly. "Yeah, go get a razor."

They'd barely gotten started before Dan started to realize how this was going to be less of a dramatic way to go about it, but he'd learned long ago that Phil's logic was his own and nothing was really going to change how he thought about it. He was stubborn, yes, but that wasn't what this was about. Besides, this was different. Maybe he had other justification for choosing this that he didn't want to share. Dan wasn't going to press for anything Phil wasn't comfortable letting him into.

Phil was strangely calmed as his proud locks were buzzed from his head. Dan laughed through bittersweet tears as he distracted him from the job at hand with questions on how he should rephrase his Twitter bio. "'Without the hair' or 'with no hair'?" he asked, nonchalantly, as if this wasn't so much more symbolic than what lay on the surface.

Dan accomplished a near complete job. It still looked a bit patchy where the chemo had already destroyed the follicles, but looking in the mirror, Phil seemed satisfied. He smiled a now rare bright smile and hugged Dan. Dan hugged back, tight.

Dan was browsing Tumblr that night, after Phil had fallen asleep. He checked his boyfriend's Twitter. He had posted a new selfie.

'That guy with no hair from YouTube and Radio 1.'

"I think we should tell them," Phil noted, seemingly out of nowhere.

Dan rubbed his shoulder, humming acknowledgement, though unsure what exactly he was talking about. Following treatment, there would be some good and some bad days; today was somewhere in the middle. Phil was tired, half asleep on Dan's lap, but he wasn't vomiting as much as he could have been. It only took a few moments of silence for Dan to figure out what this conversation was going to be about. "Come out to the viewers?"

Phil nodded and turned over to stare up at his boyfriend, slowly stroking his hand over the top of his thigh. "Yeah. We've been together almost six years now, and god knows they've always speculated about us. I just thought maybe we should let them know now." He'd become so subdued lately; he had to save his reserve for battling his illness. With Dan, he felt himself be a bit weaker in resolve than he used to be. It wasn't easy for either of the two to swallow; Phil tried to keep up, especially for Dan. "I mean, it's up to you."

Dan thought about it. He wanted the fans to be able to know, but at the same time, he was scared. He wasn't sure how supportive their viewers would really be –a lot of them seem to more fetishize the fantasy of them being in a relationship, rather than just want them to be happy together. And coming out to their audience wasn't as limited as it sounded. Coming out on YouTube or Twitter or anywhere really meant coming out to the world. Dan wasn't sure he was ready for that.

"I don't know, babe…" was all the answer he gave. And Phil let the matter go there.

Dan didn't sleep that night. He rarely slept at all anymore. More often than anything, he'd spend the night watching his boyfriend sleep. Dan was relieved to find Phil was sleeping rather easy tonight, and not having to worry gave Dan time to think about other things. His mind immediately went back to how Phil wanted them to come out about their relationship.

When he started to really think on it, his anxiety over the matter started to dissipate. He wasn't ashamed to be with Phil; he wasn't ashamed to be bisexual. He was happy being with the man he loved for so long. He loved Phil so much, and if this would make him happy, what was Dan afraid of? Why should he care about what anyone else thought?

He turned back to look at Phil. They hadn't taken one of their usual sleeping positions in a while; Dan needed to watch his face for any discomfort. He admitted he was a bit overprotective. He loved him to no end, and… Dan knew he might not have too much time left. They needed to make the most of it.

Dan got up out of bed and got dressed quickly. He hoped the shops would be open this late. On his way out, he sent a quick text o Phil, in case he woke up.

'Gone out. Let's do it. x'


	2. Chapter 2

They filmed Phil Is Not On Fire 7 a few days later. They went through all the usual antics the previous installments had included, and right when they were about to call it quits for the night, Dan intervened.

"Don't turn it off just yet," he urged, gently moving Phil's hand away from going to turn the camera off. He turned and started going through a bag he'd been keeping behind the bed.

Phil was confused and really just wanted to get some sleep, but he waited patiently for whatever Dan was up to. He adjusted his fluffy lion hat. "What's wrong?" he asked, leaning back to try to see what his boyfriend was doing.

"Just…" He came back up to sit in front of the camera, facing Phil. He pulled a tiny navy blue velvet box out from behind his back. Phil was tearing up already, hand coming to cover his mouth as a strange, strangled noise escaped his throat. Dan took a moment to breathe, calm himself, before he started. "I've never been great at romance; we don't have the most romantic relationship." He laughed away how this was already sounding awkward. "I hope you know how much, how many times, you've saved me. If it wasn't for your love, guidance and friendship, I honestly have no idea where I'd be today. You've brought me happiness I've never gotten from anything, never been given so willingly and charitably before. I want to return the favor, for the rest of our days in this world and eternity beyond. I love you to the ends of the earth and back, and promise to always adore and cherish you in the way only someone as incredible as you deserves. So… I should stop beating around the bush, shouldn't I?" He popped the box open to reveal a simple silver band, and Phil let out another small noise. "Will you marry me?"

Phil couldn't manage a verbal answer. He pounced on Dan, and even as thin as he'd become, they still ended up both tackled down onto the bed. Dan laughed, horribly relieved and excited now. Phil buried his face into Dan's neck, kissing it sweetly over and over again. Eventually, once the haze in Dan's mind started to clear, he turned Phil to face him and just stared into his eyes for a moment before kissing him, gentle but thrumming with love and passion.

Phil kissed back a bit more fervently, so happy he couldn't contain it. He loved Dan more than a thousand words could ever express, though between kisses he was mumbling "I love you" over and over again.

The video was posted on both of their channels, and quickly hit more than two million views a piece. Besides its official name, it was known in the fanbase by such cognates as "The Coming Out Video" and "The Phangagement." Dan was happy to notice that for a few weeks following, Phil seemed so much less sickly; Phil was just ecstatic to officially be spending the rest of his life with the man he loved more than anything –however long or short that may be.

The following months were an uphill battle. Phil never stopped fighting, but he kept on getting weaker. Dan never stopped supporting him, but he watched as Phil was getting sicklier, vomiting far too often and losing weight fast. Dan always tried to help him, but it was never much use.

Dan had once idolized Phil; before and for a time after they met. Even when he'd far surpassed his new fiancé in subscriber count, more popularity in a short time that Dan didn't care to acknowledge, he still looked up to him. He had a feeling he always would. Dan hated that he was watching his lover deteriorate so much, and he couldn't do anything to stop it.

"I ordered a pizza," Dan announced as he came into their bedroom. Phil was doing his live show, and looking pretty adorable in an oversized hoodie and Dan's llama hat. He gave Dan a bright smile, stronger than he'd been giving lately. Dan smiled back, flicking the ear on the hat.

"Come join us, Dan!" Phil insisted, scooting over a bit on the bed, laptop wobbling on his lap. He patted the spot next to him. Dan paused for a moment, before sitting down next to him.

"Hello, internet," he grinned giving his signature greeting. Phil moved closer and laid his head on Dan's shoulder. Dan kissed his forehead. "So what are you talking about?"

"They want to know what we have planned for the wedding so far."

Dan laughed. "You guys aren't invited!" he shouted into the camera, a smile still on his face. "They've been asking me all about that, too. We've been engaged for three months, why are you guys so suddenly interested."

Phil gave a small smile from his place resting against Dan and flashed his silver ring at the camera. Dan smiled and showed his own off while they were at it –one identical to Phil's that his fiancé had come home with a few weeks after Dan popped the question.

"All we know right now is it's gonna be this summer. We don't know exactly when or where yet, but it's probably going to be a really small affair. Don't worry, we'll be sure to share a fuckload of details after we're dubbed Mr. and Mr. Howell-Lester."

Phil laughed quietly. "One, don't swear in my videos, we've had this discussion before. And two, when did we decide your name would come first?"

"It just sounds better. The L at the end of my name and at the beginning of yours morph into, like, a single letter and it just flows so much better. Say Lester-Howell out loud, you can't say it without there being a break in the middle."

"Lester-Howell," Phil mumbled, paused, and shrugged. "Fair enough." They had almost forgotten that the webcam was trained on them. Phil picked his head up off of Dan's shoulder and moved the hat a bit, leaning in closer to his laptop. "So, yeah, no real plans for the wedding yet. But I do want to have some kind of event for you guys in the spring. March 26 I'll have been posting videos on YouTube for ten years! I can't even believe it."

Dan smiled at his fiancé's enthusiasm and excitement for this, and he had every reason to be excited; this was a big deal. "Ten years," he added for emphasis. It came off more sarcastic than he'd meant to, but that couldn't really be helped.

The pizza came just after Phil had wrapped up the show. They reconvened in the lounge with their plates, some TV show on but only there for background because it wasn't too horribly obnoxious. Dan was sitting sideways on the sofa, plate in hand and his legs strewn across Phil's lap. Phil had his plate on Dan's bare shins.

Dan was taking his third bite into the slice, but something suddenly didn't feel right. He mowed through his brain trying to figure out what it was. Something struck him then. "What did you mean when you mentioned an event for the viewers?"

Phil was pushing his slice back and forth on the plate. It was getting cold and left untouched. "Like, maybe plan a place and time to meet with them? I don't know, I just wanna make it special."

Dan wasn't sure about this idea. If this had happened, like, a year (or maybe more) ago, he'd be all for it. Now, it was getting more and more difficult to ignore that Phil was really ill now, and Dan didn't want him to be overwhelmed in something like that.

The two of them never actually talked about the cancer or anything. Every once in a while Phil would pass along something the oncologist had said to him, but Dan felt like he was only ever getting part of the story. His fiancé was getting worse –much worse, and he could see it- but he always tried to put on a brave face. They both did, for each other. It may have seemed romantic to an outsider, how they wanted to protect each other from the harsh reality of it, but really it was painful. Dan had to worry over him, and Phil felt like he needed to suffer in silence to protect Dan. And neither of them ever got to the possibility that this may indeed be… the T-word.

But Dan didn't have the heart or the balls to make tonight an exception. He stared down at the cold pizza on Phil's plate. "You should eat," he prodded.

Phil actually seemed surprised to find that his slice hadn't been touched. "Oh, sorry… Not really hungry."

Dan set both their plates aside and repositioned himself to sit closer next to his fiancé. He wrapped an arm around his shoulders; they felt so bony now. He sucked in a deep breath in attempt to stay composed, but the air cracked in his throat on the way out. "How are you feeling?"

Phil tried to brush it off like he always did. "I feel fine, Dan, just tired and not hungry."

"I need the whole truth this time."

Phil was silent for a long moment, twiddling his thumbs, trying to come up with an answer that would put the whole truth as lightly as possible. "I feel like I might vomit…" Each word was stretched out, as if he still wasn't sure about what he was saying. "My stomach hurts…"

Dan nodded. He had to figure that tonight would probably be like those awful ones that happened once a week or so, involving kneeling next to Phil as he was bent over the toilet, vomiting and then dry-heaving when there was nothing left to bring up. That would go on for maybe an hour or two before Phil would fall unconscious. Sometimes Dan could muster the strength to carry him to their bedroom; sometimes he'd curl up next to him on the floor.

Today was the day Dan had most immediately been dreading. He'd given into Phil and went along with the idea of meeting up with fans for the 10-year videoversary. They'd decided on a large open field somewhere outside London. Dan honestly didn't know where they were going, too preoccupied with just how many people were going to show up.

On the bright side, Phil was visibly brightened with the anticipation, his eyes sparkling like they hadn't in too long. Dan tried to refocus himself on that pale blue shine.

There couldn't have been more than a hundred people there, a tiny sliver of over two million subscribers. Dan noticed that this seemed to heighten their energy and, well, things got out of hand rather quickly.

They were mobbed at the start, yes, but they were mobbed together. Amidst all the hype and excitement, Dan felt Phil grab onto his wrist; he wished for a moment he had thought of that. They went on to hug fans and sign things, and Dan sort of felt bad about how so many of the fans were going to him first. Phil's hand always returned to wrap around Dan's wrist.

Dan was signing a llama plush –not easy- when he felt the grip on his arm suddenly gone. He didn't think anything of it, until it didn't come back. He turned and found that Phil was no longer standing next to him. He called out for him, desperate and voice cracking, but got no response.

He heard some commotion and saw a part in the crowd a little ways off. He apologized to the people he had to elbow his way through to get over there, but really they should've just moved out of the way for him.

When he reached the hole in the sea of fangirls, he swore his heart stopped as his eyes landed on Phil lying on the ground, seeming unconscious or semi-conscious, vomiting blood.


	3. Chapter 3

"I'm sorry that they had to see that…" Phil was fidgeting, toying with the tube sticking out of his arm. Alone in the hospital room, he didn't know exactly who he was talking to. Through the window, he could see Dan talking to Dr. Keller. Every time his fiancé looked away from the doctor to glance at him through the window, Phil had to look back down at his lap, avoiding eye contact. Dr. Keller was now telling Dan everything that he had failed to tell him on his own; Dan had trusted Phil to not keep him in the dark about this, and now everything was in revelation. He had no excuses for it, and no amount of apologizing would make up for months of secrecy.

The minute everything was said and done, Dan turned and entered the room. He walked quickly over to Phil and leaned down next to the bed, pressing his lips against his fiancé's forehead. He wasn't kissing, exactly, more assuring himself that he was indeed there.

"You idiot…" he mumbled, stepping back and falling heavily into the uncomfortable chair beside the cot. "How long did you plan on not telling me?"

Phil flinched at the hurt in Dan's voice, knowing he was to blame for it. "I didn't want to upset you. I'm sorry."

"No. Don't apologize, apologies aren't gonna change anything. It's not gonna change the fact that you're dying, that in as short a time as a few weeks I'll be losing the only person I've ever loved like this. We… We were supposed to get married this summer…" Dan took a few moments to calm himself down. The air was heavy with the uncomfortable silence. Dan's voice was slightly cracked when he continued, tears falling freely down his cheeks because he didn't give a fuck about wiping them away right now. "I know it's not all your fault. We never talked about this as seriously as it was. I should've tried harder to get answers, to really stay informed about it. I was happy to be in willful ignorance. It was easier that way…" He leaned forward and reached to take Phil's free hand. "I love you."

Phil gave a small crooked smile. "I love you too.."

Dan's smile widened just slightly. "Well…" He visibly relaxed a bit, still stiff but putting his brave face back on. "We're gonna move the wedding forward. It might not be as big or spectacular as we'd hoped, but I love you and… if you're dying then goddammit you're gonna die Philip Howell-Lester."

Their lips connected, hard but with a gentleness to it. Dan brought his hands up to tightly hold either side of Phil's face; Phil's hands stayed at his side, afraid to move them because of the tubes and wires. Dan took control of the kiss, filling it with all the love and passion and strength and faith that they needed to squeeze in before time ran out.

The wedding was a month later. It wasn't as big or romantic as they had originally planned to make it, with more time to get everything perfect like they had thought they would have. "We're not big romantics, anyway," Dan explained to his mum over the phone we he told her that it was going to be in April instead of June or July.

The ceremony itself was very small. Both grooms were recording the whole thing and planned to post it on their channels. "T-minus ten minutes until it's too late for him to get rid of me," Dan grinned into the camera as he finished getting into his tux. His nerves were all over the place. He just wanted this to be over with so he could officially call Phil his husband.

The wedding itself was being held in a hotel conference room –cheap, but they didn't need spectacle, they just needed to get married. The small rooms on either side of the conference room made makeshift dressing rooms for both the grooms. Phil was having one of his better days, getting ready fine on his own. PJ was in the room with him to hold the camera and make sure he was alright. Phil was nearly overwhelmed at the thought of marrying the man he loved, his best friend. "So excited," he smiled into the lens when he realized he hadn't actually said anything for a while. His hands were shaking as he straightened his tie. He convinced himself it was just the anticipation thrumming in his muscles –he went to shake it off but froze, and he needed to give himself a minute to just calm down.

The ceremony went as well as it could have. Most of the things the officiator was saying were completely ignored by the two young men staring lovingly into the other's eyes. They didn't write their own vows, worried they'd get all misty-eyed. Besides, anything they needed to say to one another could be said in their secret time together, when it was just the two of them absorbed in love. Plus, the shorter given vows meant they could get to the kiss sooner, and they waited for that moment –their first kiss as husbands- more than anything.

The kiss was incredible, unlike any they'd shared before. Brief as it was, it left their heads reeling even as they stumbled out of the room, hand tightly gripped in his husband's hand.

The reception was a rather small party with family and friends at their house. Too drunk on love to film anything themselves, the newlyweds paid Chris and PJ to take turns recording the party for them while they spent most of it sprawled out in bliss on their sofa.

Their nuzzling was interrupted when Phil had to take a call from Dr. Keller. Dan felt sort of left out and lonely while Phil was on the phone for a good fifteen minutes; why the hell did he need to call then, not only on their wedding day but during the fucking reception party? When Phil returned, Dan noticed that some of the luster had been lost from his bright blue eyes. Dan promptly got a slow song playing and announced that it was time for their first dance.

He held tight to his husband, gentle hands trying to soothe the tense muscles in his back; he had to squeeze his eyes shut, burying his face into Phil's neck to distract himself from how he could count every rib with his fingertips.

The party ended late, and after thanking their guests for coming, the two headed off to bed. Dan stripped down to his shorts, anticipating another first in their marriage. When he turned, he saw Phil was sat on the edge of the bed, fully dressed and staring sadly up at him. Dan quickly realized this would not be their sort of honeymoon night. "What's wrong?" he asked, sitting down next to Phil. "Is… this about the phone call you got earlier?"

Phil nodded stiffly, biting his lip so hard it nearly bled. Dan reached up to touch his face, thumb gently coaxing the lip from his incisors. "Talk to me." He managed to sound calm despite the growing anxiety.

"Dr. Keller said tomorrow's session should probably be the last one." Phil had chemo the next day.

Dan's eyes went wide as his heart sank. "And you told him that wasn't what you wanted, right?" Surely Phil wasn't giving up; he wasn't the kind of person to fight for so long just to stop so easily. Phil said nothing, and Dan felt something else slowly taking place of the anxiety. "You said you were going to keep fighting, right?"

"Dan, just because we're stopping treatment doesn't mean-"

"You can't be serious. Why? Why would you just throw in the towel like that, knowing me and your family and friends and more than two million other people need you?" Dan didn't know when he had gotten to his feet, but suddenly he was staring down at a slightly shaken looking Phil.

"I said it's not giving up, Dan. We knew from the beginning that chemo wasn't going to do any more than hold things off. At first it helped with the symptoms but now it's just making them worse. I… I can't keep living in pain, Dan. I can't do it." He brought his bony knees up to his chest, but held a steady, certain look in his eyes. "I didn't want to have this conversation tonight but I need you to believe me. This doesn't mean the end. I won't go down without a fight."

Dan was shaking, crumbling down now. He dropped onto the bed and tried to keep the tears pent up. He hadn't let it all out like this in months. The fact that treatment wasn't going to help or even happen anymore made it all too real that his Phil, his husband, was going to be gone soon. It was too much that he just couldn't handle.

Phil moved to lie down next to Dan, wrapping his arms around him and holding him close, mumbling promises that everything would be okay.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hey guys! Sorry if this video seems a little short. Not too much going on lately…" Phil started picking at some bits of fluff coming out of his moose hat, and remembered, "Oh, I have something to show you guys. Ready? No, close your eyes!" He gave the fullest, brightest smile he could manage as he started to pull the hat up off his head. "Okay, you can open your eyes now! Tada! My hair started to grow back. I wanted to wait until you could actually see it before I gave up on my animal hats."

He ran his hand over the short strands, the product of two months of chemo discontinued. He tried not to keep missing his old hair; he was just happy he wasn't bald anymore. "It's a lot lighter than you guys are used to seeing it, right?" He laughed. "You guys already knew I dyed my hair, it's not actually black."

He started fidgeting with one of the tubes in his arm, the morphine drip. The smile sort of faded from his face. "I hope I get to go home soon. I really don't like being here so much. I've been in hospital for almost two weeks now; two weeks! I know I've been here longer before but it's not even really for anything this time. They're just watching me. I can see there's a little camera up in the corner of the room and I swear they're watching me 24/7." He sat back for a moment, pausing to gather himself. He knew he wouldn't be editing it out –he never edited his videos anymore- but hoped these few seconds wouldn't bother his viewers.

"I just want to go home with Dan. I miss being able to lie together in our own bed, cuddled up under the covers. This hospital bed isn't big enough for the two of us; Dan sleeps in a chair. I hate that he's sleeping in a chair, even though I'm not sure he's really sleeping at all. I hate that. It's six in the morning right now, and I finally convinced him to go home and sleep. He said he'll be back early, so I have to finish this before he gets here."

Phil spent the next minute or so on filler material, just trying to avoid what he inevitably had to say. His lip started trembling when he realized he'd run out of other things to talk about, and the time had come to get to the point of this video.

"This is the last video I'm posting to my channel. The…" He wiped at his nose, sniffling. When had he started crying? "The doctor said that time's running out, and I wanted to do this while I was still having 'better days.'" He would hardly call this one of his better days, but he needed to keep strong. "Sorry about all the crying, I'm a big baby, aren't I?" He tried to laugh, but sort of just choked on a small sob. "I just wanted to let you know how much I love you. Thank you so much for all these amazing years, I honestly couldn't be happier with my life up through this point. Whether you've been watching my videos since 2006 or today or any time in between, I love you and thank you. You've been the best I could ever ask for, really."

He stopped his rambling and reached to the small table next to the bed so grab a familiar plush. "Lion wants to say goodbye for now, too. Don't worry, you'll still see him in Dan's videos." He gave a small smile and put the stuffed animal back away for the rest of the video. He couldn't say goodbye without bringing Lion on first. "Dan and I might make one more video for his channel, depending on how… things go…" For the sake of his audience, particularly the younger ones, he refused to directly mention death or anything like that. "That's up to Dan, though, so make sure that on the off chance you're not subscribed to him, you should do that now."

He hadn't slept all night, too anxious about making this video. "I… I have to go now. Dan might be here soon, I really don't want him to hear any of this. He'll take care of you guys. You'll take care of him too, right?"

He sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. The morphine was starting to wear off and he wanted to maybe at least try to get some sleep before Dan arrived. He managed to give a small but genuine smile. "One more for old times' sake…" He did his little 'rawr' with the hands and everything. He had to stop for a moment after that as the tears came back. He whispered a 'thank you,' gave a hand heart, and ended the recording.

Dan stood outside watching, waiting for his husband to turn the camera off and put it away. He hadn't seen the whole thing, but what he saw was enough to break his heart.

Two weeks –that was what Dr. Keller had estimated. Two weeks until Phil would finally pass. Dan wasn't ready for that; he never would be.

Once he saw that Phil was a bit more settled back into bed, Dan opened the door and stepped slowly into the room, shutting it behind him. He tried to make his smile reach his eyes. "Hey, baby." He moved closer to the bed and sat down in the chair beside it. He could feel the imprint of his butt in the familiar seat. "Need anything?"

Phil still held a strong front with Dan, but a little less so than he did with his viewers. He could almost allow himself to be as weak as he felt, not that he wouldn't try to hide it. "Morphine, please?" he all but squeaked. He couldn't reach the dispense button himself.

Dan stood quickly and went around to the other side of the bed, where every piece of medical equipment and machinery was set up. He clicked the button and watched for a moment as the liquid started to move down the IV tube. He sat down on the edge of the bed at Phil's waist, and reached out a hand to stroke his cheek. "I talked to Dr. Keller last night… He said you could come home today…"

Phil's eyes lit up a bit at that. "Yay…!"

Dan smiled. "He said we can be discharged this afternoon. I got everything ready and tidy for you to come back." He leaned down to kiss him sweetly. "I hated being there last night." It was so lonely to have to sleep alone, without his husband, but some awful little voice in the back of his head told him it was good practice. "Didn't sleep at all."

Phil frowned. The whole point of sending Dan home for the night was so he could have a decent night's sleep in a comfortable bed. He didn't press the issue, though. "So happy to go home."

In the taxi ride back to their flat, Dan was holding his husband close, stroking his hair as Phil rested half asleep on Dan's shoulder. Dan would've been content to just spend the ride in silence, but Phil's voice broke through it. "Did you wanna make one more video together?" His voice was a bit slurred, as if he wasn't quite awake. He'd had a recent dose of painkillers, and they often brought on lethargy.

Dan thought for a moment, needing to make the final decision for a question he'd been considering a while. "No, I don't think so. Too many of my subscribers are yours, too. They don't need to… remember you like this when you're gone." He buried his face into his hair. His eyes were dry, but the thought was still painful.

Phil nodded. Dan knew that he was making a final goodbye video, so there was nothing to really talk about there. His viewers would remember him as he was today, and though it wasn't ideal, it was maybe the best option.

The rest of the week went by without incident. Phil was bedridden as he kept growing weaker; Dan put everything aside to take care of him and just spend what time they had together. They both appreciated that there would be no more hospitals or doctors to worry about, but at the same time they knew how it meant that this was it. Phil was closer and closer to death every day. Dan tried to put that out of his mind as much as he could to just not break down; Phil was always thinking about it, but he hid it well from his husband.

That Monday was hot and muggy; they didn't have air-conditioning and opening the windows didn't do anything. Dan resorted to just spending the day in his boxers, and Phil did likewise in bed. The official temperature was 32-Celsius but with the humidity it felt much more like 38.

Dan wandered from the lounge into the bedroom. He was about to ask Phil if he needed anything when he saw his husband lying there –just like he had been before, seemingly asleep- looking extremely pale and breathing harsh and rapid. Dan knew that to at least some degree it had to be the heat, and ran to the kitchen to fill a glass of water. He brought it back to the bedroom and kneeled down with it next to the bed.

"Babe, wake up," he coaxed, tapping his husband's cheek. Dear god was he sweating. "Phil."

Phil stirred a bit and stared blearily at Dan. "Yeah?"

"Drink this," he instructed, handing him the water. He knew what was coming and needed to end any argument before Phil had time to protest. "I know it hurts, baby, I know, but you're gonna need to be rushed back to the hospital if you don't." Phil had been having serious trouble with eating and drinking in the last few weeks. At the hospital, he was on a feeding tube, and even that was awful. He'd had to promise to eat in order to be discharged, but things hadn't changed; even with strong medication to dull the pain, it was never very effective, and he'd often just vomit everything back up anyway. Dan was starting to worry starvation would kill his husband before the cancer would.

Phil was clearly stiff and reluctant over having to swallow anything right now, but he wasn't oblivious to the situation and knew that he really needed to get hydrated. He gulped the water down, retching after the first swallow but pushing through it.

Dan smiled, relief washing over him. "Good, good. So proud of you. I'm gonna go get a cold bath running for you, you need to cool down."

He left and came back a few minutes later with more water. He had Phil down this one, too, rubbing his back through the obvious pain. Once that was finished, he lifted him –too easily- up into his arms and carried him to the bathroom.

Dan knew he was a lucky fuck when Phil lasted three weeks out of the hospital. He'd been ecstatic and they would've properly celebrated if Phil wasn't still feeling so horribly poorly. Dan almost wanted to readmit him to the hospital, just to see if he could maybe keep his husband in his life a little while longer, but he knew there was nothing the doctors could do anymore. And that night, lying in bed with Phil asleep against him –almost too peacefully- he knew the luck was running out.

It had been one of the worse days; maybe the worst so far. Phil had only been awake for maybe a total hour or two, sleeping through most of it almost like he had for days now. Dan lay with him, holding him close while he slept and making sure to squeeze in every 'I love you' when Phil was awake.

It was late now, maybe two in the morning. It was very quiet and the lights were dim. It was summer but they both felt incredibly cold. Even while Phil slept, Dan didn't, not a wink. He was almost content to just watch his husband sleep, laden with the most heavy-duty painkillers in probably the most peaceful rest he'd had in months. Dan knew the drugs were keeping Phil asleep and not available for heartfelt and emotional conversation that they probably should've been having, but he was okay just watching him sleep.

Dan convinced himself that those touching moments between parting lovers only happened in films. And the two of them were never big romantics, anyway.

Phil started whimpering in his sleep, tensing and clutching blindly at Dan's shirt. Dan pressed his lips to the top of his head, his cheeks and all over his face, and then his lips. Phil calmed down and started to move back into the peaceful rest. Dan was holding him tight, mumbling promises that everything would be okay.

Dan had known early that night that Phil wasn't going to make it to morning.

He didn't cry; not yet. It was still sinking in when he left the bed to go and call Phil's parents, let them know their son was gone. Even as the words tumbled out of his mouth, it was still surreal to him. His mind didn't quite catch up with the fact that Phil wasn't just sleeping in on a Sunday morning like anyone would.

Dan knew things had ended too abruptly for them. As strung out as everything was over the year and a half of the illness, everything sort of crashed down right at the end. He'd known it was going to happen going into that night. He knew that they'd never have a proper goodbye or a mutually final statement of love. Dan hadn't had the heart to try to wake him for that. Phil had had the most peaceful sleep he'd had in a long time, and he'd slipped seamlessly from there out of this world.

As the sadness sank in, that was the one relief Dan found in this. His husband had gone without pain –that was, in that moment, enough for him to smile for.


	5. Epilogue

Most of the stuff was already in storage. Dan had put off packing everything else until moving day, and tried to cram it all in before the van arrived.

He hadn't cried at all those few days between the death and the burial. He watched with empty eyes as the paramedics solemnly removed the body from the flat. Neighbors expressed condolences to a blank face. He didn't see Phil again until the day of the funeral.

He had stayed with the casket through the wake, sitting on the floor behind it so he could sort of be alone as everyone came up to see the body. He had to wonder why they were coming up; who would want to remember such a bright, bubbly person so cold and still in a coffin?

It wasn't until the burial itself that Dan broke down, and he had to be restrained to stop him from throwing himself onto the casket, sobbing, begging to be buried with his husband. Someone there thought to call an ambulance; it was probably the right decision. He wasn't there for the end of the funeral.

Dan had separate boxes set aside for Phil's things that he wasn't keeping. He decided to take with him what he really felt he needed to keep, and let everything else be sorted out amongst the others in Phil's life. Dan couldn't be bothered or bring himself to think on who these things should go to. In the end, he himself was only keeping a few mementos, the duvet, and Lion; he figured everything else would be sorted out by those in a proper state to do that.

Dan had tried making a memorial video, montaging over ten years of Phil's videos. Whenever he worked up the strength to watch, though, he'd either break down or get too lost in watching. He decided to try again, and again, and again. He'd make it eventually.

It had to be the most relieving and most painful part of this that in a way, Phil wasn't really gone. His bright smile and beautiful voice and everything else that made him so wonderful… it was all still there, with the click of a button. All Dan had to do was press play on any of a plethora of videos and Phil was right there. He could almost pretend that his husband was still with him, if only on a computer screen.

It almost reminded him of their hours of Skype calls so long early on in their relationship, when it had been nothing more than a budding friendship becoming something more. These videos, even the more recent ones, brought on nostalgia of the days before they could actually be there with each other to touch, to know that the angel on earth was really there and loving them.

But this time, if Dan said something to Phil, Phil wouldn't respond. Not ever again.

Dan had to stop packing for a moment as it finished sinking in. Phil was gone. He would never be there to kiss or hold or make love to ever again. Dan couldn't find comfort in his embrace as the arms that had held him so gently were no longer there. Dan couldn't hear "I love you's" from a voice silenced forever. He felt his lips trembling as the memory of what Phil's had felt like on them had already begun to fade.

He couldn't pull himself together, but he refused to let himself fall so completely apart as he wanted to. He needed to finish packing; the van would arrive any minute, and he had a train to catch.

Phil's room was bare aside from the stray pieces of larger furniture that the movers had insisted they would take care of. The mattress lay naked, stripped of the blue and green that had covered it for so long. Their bed set was packed away; Dan was keeping that. Lion was sat on top, as if still waiting for his friend to come home.

Dan shook the thought away. It was a stuffed toy, it didn't know or feel or miss Phil like he did. Dan picked it up and went to shove it into his bag, but thought better of it. Toy or not, this thing was special to his husband (rest his soul) and deserved to be handled with care. He just held onto it tightly in his hand.

Everything was finished. This place held so many memories that Dan was afraid to let go of, but it was just too painfully empty to stay any longer. In the doorway, taxi waiting for him outside, he took one final look. Five years of memories just in this one place, but Dan had to let go.


End file.
